Evasive Eevans Events

Of course my friend Jenny’s name is not really Eevans.     It’s Evans, from Unremarkable Files.        

slob, humor, my friend Jenny Evans

Jenny Evans!

 That’s #1 of the pingbacks I’m giving her, so hopefully, she’ll forgive me for taking artistic license with her name!      (That one’s mine, not hers, but I promise plenty more of hers to come!!)

Being the mother of a large family, (6! kids), (#2) Jenny is all too familiar with the necessity of public restrooms.  (#3)         And the hygiene, (or NOT!) (#4) of the same.     (Hey! I just realized that one is a 2-fer!     Hi Katie!)

Okay, now that I’ve made sure you’re well acquainted  (#5) with Jenny, on to what this post is about.

Yes, public restrooms,

but in a different aspect.   Namely. being trapped in one like an animal (#6) in a cage.      And desperate to get out, but can’t.      And I can’t reach my leg, to chew it off, to facilitate escape!

When I have to ride the scooter at stores, (due to my on-going leg issues, (first it was the right knee, then the left groin, now the left sciatic- yay!  I’ve learned a LOT of anatomy the last few years!), sometimes I can’t even get up to walk into the restroom, and have to drive. It’s tricky enough, just getting in.      But, if it’s a swing-in door, it’s all good!!      I just run that puppy into the door, hard enough to open it!      But gently!    I don’t go full speed!    (1/4th mile an hour)      Cuz then I’d have another whip lash too, to add to all the other delights I’m experiencing!

Once I’m in, done, and ready to leave, that’s when the real problem happens.         If it was a swing-in door, and was easy to get in, then it’s pull-to-get-out.         And that’s a REALLY BIG PROBLEM!        I know I have long arms, but they ain’t THAT long!       Ya have to grab the handle, pull, wait, ya can only pull 2 inches, then the door bangs into the basket.    Okay, we can do this.     Back up, try to grab handle again.    Wait, now I’ve backed up too far, and can’t grab the handle.       Alright, try again.      I have a college degree for Pete’s sake, surely I can figure out how to get outta the bathroom!

And just WHY don’t they have automatic door buttons in a restroom that is supposedly handicapped equipped??        

Surely I can’t be the ONLY one who has trouble, can I??      (PLEASE tell me I’m not the only one who can’t fight their way outta a paper room!)

Eventually, I just give up outta frustration, and sheer exhaustion.    Then, in about 10 minutes, I’m glad I’m still in there, due to my overactive bladder.      Whew!      Okay, now to wait for rescue.         Why, oh why did I forget my handy, dandy emergency wrench, so I can bang on the pipes, and draw attention to my predicament kit?        But then I realize, I haven’t brushed up on my Morris Code for awhile, so I’d probably just be saying, “Hey!   Love ya!”  or something, instead of “I’m trapped in the restroom.  Help!”

After 25 minutes, I’m still going strong, fighting dehydration, because I usually always have my water bottle with me.    slob, humor, definitely not clutter      Bonus!      If I drink it all, I know how to refill it, there’s running water here!

30 minutes in, I’ve succumbed to hunger, after scrabbling around frantically in my purse for something to eat, and finding nothing except 2 brownie crumbs, and the empty wrapper of a Twix.     (Which I totally proceed to lick clean.     Hey, it’s life or death now, man!)       So, now it’s a slow decline into death, from this point on.

35 minutes in, I’ve started writing my last will and testament,

slob, humor, last will and testament

leaving my body to science.     (They’re gonna want it too!       To study how a 300 lb woman can starve to death in under an hour.      In the middle of a GROCERY store.)

Update: AFTER I published this, THEN I noticed I wrote “drying” instead of dying.  Oy vey!)

40 minutes in, all hope is gone.      Drawing a face on my purse, so I can kiss it good bye.     (How is it that in a store this busy, NO ONE has had to go in the last 40 minutes???)

 

Slumped over, in the final throes of death, dimly I hear panicked screaming.      “MA’AM!!   MA’AM!!     ARE YOU OKAY??”            I rouse up, slowly, blinking away the haze of the afterlife.       “Are you an angel??”        “Uh, no ma’am, I’m the janitor.    Do you need help?”

Sobbing in relief, all I can say is:  “Just open the door!    All I wanna do is go home!”

 

Ah, the events of an evasive Eevens life.     (I had to cross out Jenny’s name.    I don’t think she wants to be associated with this sad tale of incompetence!)

 

24 thoughts on “Evasive Eevans Events

  1. Melinda,
    Did that really happen to you ? I can so feel for you- I have the use of all my limbs, still but sometimes my upper storey does not keep up with my limbs, so I get caught in situations similar to what you described here, and its not funny. I never have paper and pen or even a mobile at this time- so my only hope is to wait for the janitor and God bless the poor women who do this job.
    And why is it that just when we are at the mall, we need most to use the washroom ? Huh ? Explain that to me, please. My husband can do for hours without using any washroom and I envy him for this.
    BTW, how is Jenny Evans connected to this story – I went to her blog a few days back after reading yours and she is an amazing lady.
    Susie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, it’s really happened to me. When handicapped toilets don’t have automatic doors, it’s hard!!
      Jenny is just a friend who has written several things about public toilets, because she has so many little kids. I included her, just to give her a shout out!
      I’m sorry to hear you were trapped too.
      I guess because men are robots?? lol
      Thanks for going to see her. She IS amazing!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your ordeal is what makes Yoruba people have the saying, “Oro buruku t’oun t’erin”, meaning: a terrible incident that evokes laughter. I do pray that the good LORD will send speedy aid to whosoever should have this misfortune. The truth, as Yoruba people will also point out, is: “Enikan l’omo”, which is the English version of: “He who wears the shoe knows where it pinches”. I believe the good LORD saved your life so that you’ll be more usefull to humanity.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my gosh, Melinda. One of my favorite things about you is your ability to turn a craptacular experience into a funny story.

    And in no way was I laughing at you, but the way you were describing the whole situation was just so dang FUNNY! Aw man!

    BTW, what in the world happened to your knee? And your poor GROIN? Ya know, I don’t know if people can fully understand how painful a groin injury is if they haven’t experienced one…it’s like every move you make tortures your groin! THEN as if going through the pain of a messed up knee and groin weren’t enough, your sciatic decides it’s time to jump aboard the pain train. Geez louise!

    God bless you Melinda, and your amazing attitude! Talk about inspiring.💕

    Liked by 2 people

    • Awww, thanks, Katie!! You make me feel so good, every time! My rt knee was replaced 3 yrs ago, and it’s just now almost normal. My left groin? No idea! You’re right! Every movement, even eye twitches, (it seems) go thru your groin! Yep, no fun being me lately. but hey, if I wasn’t hurting, how would I know I was alive? lol God is good, and He helps me make it every day.
      I really appreciate you, Katie. Your post will be coming up soon!

      Like

  4. Pingback: 1 Little, 2 Little, 3 Little Recliners | purpleslobinrecovery

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s