Bladder Blather

Coming to full consciousness, as I’m lying in bed, I think “Why am I awake now?       I don’t have to go potty.”         Suddenly my bladder speaks up.     “I’m the boss here, not you!     I say when you gotta potty, not you!      And as a matter of fact, you DO hafta go.     Right NOW!”       “You’re not the boss of me”, I retort.       “Oh yeah??      Take that!”          (immediate cramp)         Sir, yes sir!       (mutters under breath)       Bossy pants!     

slob, humor, bossy pants

This is the ONLY result I got for “bossy pants.” Can you believe that???

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I obediently jump creakingly get up and go, like an automaton.

For some reason, my bladder is a male.     ????      Don’t ask me!     I’m just reporting the facts!

slob, humor, Mr. Bladder

Mr. Bladder. He may be a male, but he’s still mine, so he HAS to be purple      (Oh wait, he’s not purple, just the pic.   Oh well, who has time for nit picky details like that??)  

slob, humor, body parts quiz

shutterstock.com

 

 

Am I the only one here whose body parts talk to them??

 

 

 

 

If I am, that’s not unusual.      I’m used to being a weirdo       sigh

When I get back, (Yes ma’am, I did flush, and wash.  I’m not THAT asleep!) I check the clock.      “Thank you, Mr. Bladder for letting me sleep a whole 3 hours this time!!”       I have to call him “Mr”, since he’s my boss!       No fraternizing!

I used to be woken up every hour, instead of 3, so I appreciate small favors!           Wait, 2 more hours of sleep at a time, isn’t a SMALL thing!       Ask any mommy!        My Dr. had to give me meds for that, to train Mr. Bladder to quit being so impatient!         HaHA!      Who was the boss then??!!

Enough bladder blather!         I’m sure you’re sick of this topic already!

 

slob, humor, Porky the Pig

blingee.com

 

Whew!     Thank heavens for small favors!

 

Second Seven Seconds

The second seven seconds is the family (living) room/dining room/entry.       Since my kitchen, living and dining rooms are all 1 big room, it might be hard to separate them properly like Ashley  Phipps does.     But, I’ll manage!   As long as I’m de-cluttering, and documenting it, I don’t think y’all are gonna quibble about which “room” I’m doing, right?? That’s what I thought.   Thank you!

 

So, I started in the living room on Jan. 11.      (I know I’m outta order, that’s just how I roll.) My Christmas tree still being up, helped me decide to start there.    

 

slob, humor, Chtristmas tree

Yeah, the tp in the foreground adds such a classy touch. XH brought in the storage tub, and I started emptying it out.       THEN, I even wiped it out!!Yoo hoo!!   There were all manner of empty boxes, and crumpled piles of tissue paper, some being actual tissues.      What??      I wasn’t about to run to the store for actual tissue paper, when I had tissues right there!      But maybe, just maybe, since I’m gonna have a neat, de-cluttered home now, I’ll do that from now on.          Not holding my breath.        That would probably be for the best.

I evaluated all the ornaments that I hadn’t used this year.     Most of them were glass, or ceramic.      Why didn’t I use them??     1 word-  1 toddler and 1 baby.     Okay, that was 5 words.      Whatever.

Anyway, I threw out all the scratched ones.     There went half!    

 I wrapped all the glass ones that weren’t sentimental, for donation.      Why??       Because PPJr is gonna turn into a toddler, and stay one for years!!

slob, humor, donation

The sentimental, glass and ceramic ones, like these that DD1 made as a child,

slob, humor, handmade ornaments

and this one that DD2 made,  

slob, humor, handmade ornaments

She made the present. I made the cross stitch 20 years ago with the others, but had finished this one!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wrapped up carefully and stored in the Tupperware box I already had for that purpose.

img_20170111_181745

Then I trashed the left over paper, recycled the boxes, and stripped the tree.     

slob, humor, ornaments(Oh, Tannenbaum, oh Tannenbaum, how evergreen thy branches.      Anybody else hear that music??)

All that hard work took me 30 minutes.     Making decisions is HARD!!

The actual tree was left standing for a helper to take down.    No, not PP, even tho I’m sure she’d manage to take it apart somehow , if I let her!    

Now, I only have 30 more minutes to de-clutter the rest of the living room.       We’ll see!

Oh, wait!    I almost forgot the 10 minutes I spent taking down the cards, and all PP’s decorations!        (And trashing them, much to my own satisfaction!       I was very proud of myself for not keeping them!        I did mark down who the cards were from, first.         Yikes! I only have 20 minutes left now!

See??      I knew it would take me more than an hour!!

Another 15 minutes on the clock, to deal with all this mess.

It only took me that long to deal with it, AND sweep!! Woo hoo!         Boy, am I getting good at this, or what?!

Hey, before you break your arm patting yourself on the back, you seem to be forgetting something.  What??       Oh yeah, I still have this left to deal with.                 And this:

slob, humor, pile o' clothes                                             slob, humor, clutter

Well, we’re already 55 minutes in.        But, okay, okay, more time on the clock.

But I don’t feel like doing those right now.      (Looks around to spy something else.     Anything else!)       Aha!     The china cabinet!

slob, humor, all clean    Nope!   Nothing there!     (I looked!)    YAY!!

Hmmmmthe chest of drawers, even tho I know there’s nothing in there I can get rid of.     But as Dana always says, Don’t assume!       Look anyway!       So I did.       Lo and behold!       All this can go!!

slob, humor, donation stuff                       slob, humor, why????

For pity’s sake!!      Why did I have a bloody candle????         I think you were gonna paint it purple?     And you only paid 5 cents on clearance.        Yeah, that would explain it, but obviously that ain’t happening!

Clearly I had NO idea what-n-all was in there!      WE have eleventy hundred videos, so I’m quite sure PP will never even notice the lack of these.     And I have no candle holders for the tapers, so……

Now I have a nice, fat bag to donate.     And that was only 8 minutes.      The total is up to 1 hour, and 3 minutes.     And I still have those 2 piles to go.     sigh    Another day.      I already did my few dishes this morning, now it’s nap time!!

Several more seven seconds to come!

Play-Doh Plague

Well, the worst has officially happened.      The Play-Doh plague has invaded my house.  

slob, humor, plague          And I know who the carrier was!!     “Gwandma Wose”!      How could you betray me so badly, my own (ex)stepmother???    

I thought you loved me!      Apparently you love PP more.

I had no idea PP and you were plotting behind my back.      Watching all those commercials, making notes of which things she liked best.

slob, humor, plague Drat you, Nick Jr!!!

Most of you won’t remember the “Green Goo, because it was 2 1/2 years ago.     (Except Stella, who commented on it a year later, Queen Anne, and Susie, who both liked it.   Thanks ladies!!)       I had a terrifying preview of what a plague Play-doh would truly be.

And it’s every bit as bad as I imagined it’d be.

 

Clumps of sticky Play-Doh on the floor.     Lumps of it stuck to the backside of PP’s pants.

(No visual there, I was too busy trying to get if off before she ground it in, and it melded with the material.     Too late…..)

Bumps of it all over the table….

slob, humor, Play-Doh plague

And exactly who’s gonna clean it all up??????

I’m not bending over this time!!    

 

PP did pick up the clumps off the floor.    Thank you Precious!

And I scraped as much of the lumps off her pants, as humanly possible.      But those pants will never be the same.    Good thing they were her designated play pants already!

The bumps on the table???      As you may have already guessed, they’re still there…..

Seven Seconds

From my BBFFJs linky party:  Inspire Me Monday. on Jan.2.

I saw this pic, from Ashley Phipps,

and it intrigued me.

http://simplydesigning.porch.com/7-hours-to-a-decluttered-home.      After I read it, I commented that I knew for sure it would take me more than 7 hours, because I’ve already spent 2 1/2 years de-cluttering, and now I have a house, screened porch, shed and workshop full STILL!!

But, I’m thinking I will print out her printable, follow it, and keep track of my time.  Then when I finish the 7 hours, let her know how far I got.      I could even make it my own 7 hour de-cluttering challenge!!       Of course, I’d link back to her, since it’s all her idea, and printable!

So, not sure which route I’ll go yet.   But definitely will do at least the 7 hours!!     But I better hurry!        Soon Queen Anne will be back at the Paper Purgathon again!  

slob, humor, challenge

And I better be prepared to dive in with her!!       I promised!

So, the “seven” in the title is for 7 hours/7 days.   The “seconds”  is for the more than once, that I’ve de-cluttered!

Quazy Quilt Queue

Here it is the end of July, and still haven’t finished Kim’s Kwilt.   (When I first started this post.)            And the final deadline was May 20!        Majorly disappointed with myself.      But, I’ve been so busy with the girls, nannying, and full time taxi-ing for DD1, that I have felt like a chicken with its head cut off. Sorry Carmen!

Now she has a car again, {DD1, not Carmen!} and steady day care, so maybe I can git ‘er done before Winter!

Update:   I finished the infamous kwilt, on Saturday, Oct 22, 2016!!

slob, humor, back of quilt

I’m almost having a headache from that lattice pattern spinning!

The back, above.                                                                                     The front, below.

slob, humor, quilt finished!

It was already folded in half, cuz I wanted ya to see my face!

And all the angels sang: “Hallelujah!!”

And all the readers screamed “YES!  Finally we can quit hearing her whine about that pesky kwilt!!”

And SF mailed it that next Monday.

And she (DD2) liked it!  She really liked it!     She said, and I quote,      “Thanks, it’s awesome.”

Okay, now that is off my mind!!      I can go on to the rest of my quazy quilt queue.      And it’s a long one!!

  • Shirley’s.    My brother commissioned this one when they were dating.     Their first anniversary was back in August.     This is my progress so far.  

slob, humor, Shirley's quilt

  Getting there!!     So close!!

                                                                                 

  • PP’s Panda quilt.     DD1 commissioned this one in 2014.      Ahem   (Can’t find the pieces.     EEK!!)
  • The Campbell twins.      They’re only 5 months old, and I have all the squares cut out already, so hey, doing really well on this one!  

slob, humor, quilt squares

Oops!  No I don’t have all the squares cut out.  I have 3/4ths of the squares cut out!  

slob, humor, quilt fabric

This fabric has me flummoxed!!      I want each square to be 1 flower, (or “buttehfy”, as PP called them), but how do I do that without the squares going wonky??      I surely AM NOT gonna cut each one individually by hand!

So, I’ll just be as careful as I can…….

  • A bigger quilt for PPJr.      Her wonky quilt is WAY too little for her already, and she’s only 8 1/2 months old!!     (Haven’t even decided on the fabrics yet.    Yeah.)
  • Aulani’s.       She was born about 12 weeks ago, and I’ve already done this much.    

slob, humor, baby quilt

  Woo hoo!        On a roll here!           

 

Then, I wanna do one for ..      STOP!!          What?   Why??         Until you get all those done, I’m officially declaring a moratorium on saying you’ll make more!            You can’t do that!        I think I can, cuz I just did!

NO MORE QUILTS

Well then, yes ma’am!        I’ll get back with ya on my next recipients, soon as I’m done with these.         So, mid 2027, would you say??          That’s kinda mean.         Is it mean if it’s true??      Well, it has been true so far…..

 

slob, humor, linky

devastateboredom.com

Probably Pro Procrastinator

Here it is Dec.29, and I haven’t even finished making all my Christmas gifts yet.  <groan >    WHAT??   Melinda!!   I can’t believe you!      

Well, you KNOW I’m one terrific procrastinator!      As a matter of fact, probably I’m a pro!   Pro Procrastinator, that is!       That’s fun to say!!      Try to say it 10 times really fast!       (I couldn’t!)

Since our family Christmas Eve got postponed, that gave me a good excuse to just drop what I was doing, and do something else.    After all, I had another week to finish!       Now it’s Thursday, and I have to be done by Sat.      Will I make THIS deadline???        Well, unlike Kim’s Kwilt debacle, there is hope!!

This is the raw state of the cross stitches.    It only took me 20 or so years before  I found them again!          How can that be??           Hellooooo-  ever heard of Hoarders???          And see my name???       The SLOB part???

And here’s how I left them last week:

Sadly, the one on the right is a boo boo.    Instead of sewing right sides together, I did right to wrong.    😦        That’s when I knew it was time to quit sewing that night!!        Tired sewer makes lots of mistakes!!      

Oh wait!  I’m mistaken!     It’s not done wrong!       After looking at it when my eyes aren’t crossed from tired, it’s right!      Whew!       Then I realized, I forgot the hanger!        {shrug}   Oh well, what ya gonna do???        Umm, rip out the stitches, and do it right??         Seriously?    Do you even KNOW me???       Nope, just add it onto the back.!       Like it or lump it!

Then I needed stuffing, but didn’t have any.      Hmmm, was I gonna have to use cut up rags??       Cuz I will!       But, then my eyes landed on this:

slob, humor, stuffing      Perfect!       And so it was!

Now, get off the computer, get over there in your sewing room, and finish them!!         I mean it young lady!!      Or no lunch for you!        WAAAAHHHHH!

slob, humor, crying girl

Fine, but I’m gonna mutter grouchy things about you under my breath.        You don’t scare me!

Stuffed, and waiting for the final stitch in time.       (Shouldn’t have eaten so much!)

There!        Done!!     And it only took 20 years!      Woot!!     I beat my own 9 year record!         (Kim’s Kwilt)

                           One for you, one for me!                 Guess who these 2 are for????

Since my middle name is Joy, I’m keeping that one!     I deserve some reward for all this work!!       And sis collects Nativities, but has run outta shelf space, so two for her!

Now I have Michelle’s present, and neighbor Jeanette’s.      (More about her later.)     Now to go finish the wrapping…..

Finally Christmas is done, done!        For this year…..    mwuahahahaha        You know, it’s already less than 360 days till next Christmas!

 

Authentic Author

I’m so excited to tell you (again)!!    My BBFFJ is a published Author!!        (Just in case you have forgotten in the month since Nov. 26.  But I need to start the New Year right, by bragging on my BBFFJ some more!!))

slob, humor, BBFFJ's book

 

Here’s the link to her book on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01M4QOD41

Please go check it out, and buy at least 10 copies!!      You’ll be glad you did!!        The perfect gift for all the aspiring e-book authors you know!!

Once they have Janice’s book in hand,     

 

 

 

 

 

 

er, in inbox??, they too can be a successful published author!!

I wrote a review for it, because she graciously let me read it beforehand!! 

But then, Amazon was difficult about it, and wouldn’t let me post it, since I hadn’t bought anything from them.    What’s up with that??      But then I won a gift card, so there!      And still, I can’t publish the review, because it has to be valid debt or credit card purchases.   Then I was really unhappy!!       Especially since I’m sure it would have been my review that would have sold millions of books thereafter!        Of course it would..

Anyway, someday when I grow up, I wanna be just like Janice!

slob, humor, Janice Wald

My BBFFJ, AKA Janice Wald www.mostlyblogging,com

Update:  Amazon finally let me post my review last night! Woo hoo!