Hypothyroid Hell

“Here, let’s pray about it.  Just think positive thoughts, now.   You’ll be okay.”

I’m aghast that here it is 2016, and still some people think I can pull my self up by the bootstraps, out of depression.   Really, people????   No one in their right mind would say that to an amputee!!!   But, because my disability is invisible, it’s fair game????

I have spent a whole week, in such deep, dark, depression, that I’ve been suicidal.  Crying, aching for someone to just hold me, and cry with me.   Whisper “I’m here.   I love you.   I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”

But no.   Instead I got that first line up there.   Almost feels like I’m being told it’s my fault.  It’s NOT my fault!!   Yes, it’s all in my head- brain, and thyroid, which is in my neck.    But the blood chemistry being off, and missing vital chemicals is NOT my fault!!

When I figured out Thursday afternoon, what was wrong, I wanted to punch my doctor.  I have hypothyroidism.   Which means, my thyroid is sluggish, and doesn’t make enough thyroid hormone.   I’ve had this condition for 26 years, ever since I was pregnant with DD2.  My thyroid, for unknown reasons, just decided to quit functioning correctly.   So, I have been fighting this battle a LONG, LONG time.   This combined with bi-polar makes my life extremely difficult.   So many variables, and they have to be all lined up exactly, in order for me to function optimally.    My levels have been fluctuating, and my Dr. kept lowering my dose.   This last time, she lowered it to HALF of my dose from last year.   I BEGGED her not to do it.   “I’m doing okay.  Please don’t lower it.”  Nope, she did it, cuz my “Bloodwork”  showed my levels were wrong.   Well, to her, it’s numbers on a report, to ME, it’s my life!!  And so, because she didn’t listen to me, I spent a week in hell.  Life is not even worth living, if you’re constantly in hell, and looking for a way out, and all fire exits are blocked.

depressed woman

L0026686 A woman diagnosed as suffering from melancholia. Colour lith Credit: Wellcome Library, London. Wellcome Images images@wellcome.ac.uk http://wellcomeimages.org A woman diagnosed as suffering from melancholia. Colour lithograph, 1892, after J. Williamson, 1890. 1890-1892 By: J. Williamsonafter: Byrom BramwellPublished: [1892] Copyrighted work available under Creative Commons Attribution only licence CC BY 4.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

(This is a pretty good visual.   Even though it doesn’t completely express the depths of despair.)

So, Friday morning, I took my old 200 mcg dose.  And Sat. and Sun.   No improvement yet.  But, I will keep on taking the 200, till I feel myself at least at ground level, instead of a thousand feet down in a hole.

Physical recovery takes a long time.  And when your Doctor doesn’t listen, and sabotages you, it takes even longer.  I don’t mean that I think she did it on purpose to hurt me.   I know she is doing her best to help me.   But, I’m not just numbers on a paper.   I’m me.

I’m writing this Sunday night.   I was so desperate to get to my counselor, and then go see my Doctor tomorrow.   Then I remembered it’s Dr. Martin Luther King day.   So, they’re both closed.  The only thing I’ll be celebrating, is if I live through another night.

Sorry, I know this is a heavy topic.   And there’s no jokes, or anything to make you laugh.  Welcome to my reality.   It’s not always a very pretty place.

Update: Monday I feel so much better!  It’s amazing what having what you need, will do for you!   Even did stuff!  Cleaned!!  (Don’t faint!!)  De-cluttered!

 

Finally Fini

The amazing, long anticipated quilt:

finishing touch on quilt

Already rounded 3rd, almost home!

IS DONE!!!  (cue music: dun, dun, DUN)

scream of excitement

Can you hear the scream of excitement???

last corner of quilt

Final proof of fini!

YAY!!!  It’s only Thursday night, and I’m DONE!!   {Slaps the chess timer like a Grand Champion!}  Woo hoo for me!  On budget, (only because Sheryl bought everything and gave it to me, but whatever), and before deadline!  That part’s all ME!!

I must say: it’s the very first quilt I’ve ever made that I pieced both back, and front.  Very unusual, but twice as nice!

front of quilt

Remember the front?

back of quilt

And the back of quilt?

I will never forget them, myself!  Once I invest blood, sweat and tears into a quilt, it’s part of me for life!

[Well, not real blood, not this time.   I have sewed my finger with the machine needle before.   How ever did my fat finger fit under there, when I have a hard time fitting 2 layers of material, with batting?????]

sewing quilt

manhandling the many material layers but, you can’t see my hands, cuz I’m holding the camera, then pushing the button!  A very delicate operation there!

Quoting Quietly in a Quorum

This is Day # 3, of my Quotes Challenge, given to me by Smiling Notes.  Thanks again, Smiling!

If you missed them, here’s Day One.  And this is Day # 2.

“Who can find a virtuous wife?  For her worth is far above rubies.”  I’m quoting the Holy Bible, book of Proverbs, chapter 31, verse 10.

4 of 6

The Bible has a lot to say to wives, about how to be an excellent one.  I could have done a lot better in my life if I had always followed the Biblical teachings, instead of rebelling, and wanting to do my own thing.  Better late, than never, I guess.  Thank God for His forgiveness, through Jesus’ blood, and His death on the cross.  No matter what sins I’ve committed, Jesus forgives them, when I ask in prayer. BUT!!!  I have to quit sinning!!  I can’t just ask for forgiveness, then go back to whatever I was doing before.  I have to make a change in my heart, my life, my attitude, and my actions.

If I want to be an excellent wife, I have to follow God’s instructions.  He made us, He knows best for us.

The Rules of this Challenge are:

– Post 1 quote a day for 3 days (can be your own or from other sources)

– Nominate 3 bloggers to participate per post & thank the person who nominated you

My Nominations are:

1.  Dream Big

2.  Sharon

3.  Kelli

This concludes this challenge.  What will be quietly quoted, in a quorum next?

Grace&Truth-300x300