Hypothyroid Hell

“Here, let’s pray about it.  Just think positive thoughts, now.   You’ll be okay.”

I’m aghast that here it is 2016, and still some people think I can pull my self up by the bootstraps, out of depression.   Really, people????   No one in their right mind would say that to an amputee!!!   But, because my disability is invisible, it’s fair game????

I have spent a whole week, in such deep, dark, depression, that I’ve been suicidal.  Crying, aching for someone to just hold me, and cry with me.   Whisper “I’m here.   I love you.   I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”

But no.   Instead I got that first line up there.   Almost feels like I’m being told it’s my fault.  It’s NOT my fault!!   Yes, it’s all in my head- brain, and thyroid, which is in my neck.    But the blood chemistry being off, and missing vital chemicals is NOT my fault!!

When I figured out Thursday afternoon, what was wrong, I wanted to punch my doctor.  I have hypothyroidism.   Which means, my thyroid is sluggish, and doesn’t make enough thyroid hormone.   I’ve had this condition for 26 years, ever since I was pregnant with DD2.  My thyroid, for unknown reasons, just decided to quit functioning correctly.   So, I have been fighting this battle a LONG, LONG time.   This combined with bi-polar makes my life extremely difficult.   So many variables, and they have to be all lined up exactly, in order for me to function optimally.    My levels have been fluctuating, and my Dr. kept lowering my dose.   This last time, she lowered it to HALF of my dose from last year.   I BEGGED her not to do it.   “I’m doing okay.  Please don’t lower it.”  Nope, she did it, cuz my “Bloodwork”  showed my levels were wrong.   Well, to her, it’s numbers on a report, to ME, it’s my life!!  And so, because she didn’t listen to me, I spent a week in hell.  Life is not even worth living, if you’re constantly in hell, and looking for a way out, and all fire exits are blocked.

depressed woman

L0026686 A woman diagnosed as suffering from melancholia. Colour lith Credit: Wellcome Library, London. Wellcome Images images@wellcome.ac.uk http://wellcomeimages.org A woman diagnosed as suffering from melancholia. Colour lithograph, 1892, after J. Williamson, 1890. 1890-1892 By: J. Williamsonafter: Byrom BramwellPublished: [1892] Copyrighted work available under Creative Commons Attribution only licence CC BY 4.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

(This is a pretty good visual.   Even though it doesn’t completely express the depths of despair.)

So, Friday morning, I took my old 200 mcg dose.  And Sat. and Sun.   No improvement yet.  But, I will keep on taking the 200, till I feel myself at least at ground level, instead of a thousand feet down in a hole.

Physical recovery takes a long time.  And when your Doctor doesn’t listen, and sabotages you, it takes even longer.  I don’t mean that I think she did it on purpose to hurt me.   I know she is doing her best to help me.   But, I’m not just numbers on a paper.   I’m me.

I’m writing this Sunday night.   I was so desperate to get to my counselor, and then go see my Doctor tomorrow.   Then I remembered it’s Dr. Martin Luther King day.   So, they’re both closed.  The only thing I’ll be celebrating, is if I live through another night.

Sorry, I know this is a heavy topic.   And there’s no jokes, or anything to make you laugh.  Welcome to my reality.   It’s not always a very pretty place.

Update: Monday I feel so much better!  It’s amazing what having what you need, will do for you!   Even did stuff!  Cleaned!!  (Don’t faint!!)  De-cluttered!

 

Charity Chair

I have a gorgeous dining room set.  (Well, it will be once it’s all purple instead of green!)  I love the curves of the legs, and the airiness of the glass top.

dinette chairs(Please ignore all the clutter on the table, it was invisible to me until now.  Just play along, and no one gets hurt, capese?)

But I had a serious problem occur.  One of the chairs broke a leg.  How it did this, when I didn’t even know it went out running, I’ll never know.  Nevertheless, here it is, in it’s sad state.

broken chair leg

Poor thing, needs a cast.

broken dinette chair leg

So very tragic.

I wanted to put it out of its misery, like a horse, but how do you kill a chair??  So, I put it out by the road.  Fortunately, my SIL saw it, and questioned me.  He whisked it away in his ambulance van, and returned it to me the next morning, with its leg whole!  Miraculously, he knew a chair leg doctor that worked for thank yous from a sweet, blonde, (PP) baby.  Welded it up, and good to go!

Thank you SIL!!!!

welded chair leg

Better than new. I DARE it to break now!

Now, it’s on restriction, and forbidden to go out running ever again.  Next time, I’ll tie its feet together.

two uses tuesday

Let’s All Hit the Floor

Well, my plans changed rapidly Thursday night.  One minute I was in the shower, getting ready to go meet a girlfriend for a long awaited GNO, and the next, I was on the floor crying.

dorian 008

Yup, hit the floor, just that quick.  Yelling, crying, moaning, I was doing it all.

Hurting, and feeling like a dummy.  How many 53 yo women can get out of the shower all by themselves, without falling down?? Apparently, all of them but me.

Then, DH and DD1 were there, asking  me questions.

Purpleslob and husband

(Yes, my real husband. No, he wasn’t smiling during the event itself.)

Can you get up?  Ummm, that would be negatory.  Are you conscious?  I’m conscious of how stupid I am, so yeah.

Then, 911.  8 paramedics, EMTs, and firemen.  (No, not 8 of each, 8 altogether.)

emts helping someone

I know, quite a lovely butt shot.

 

All trying to figure out how to pick me up when my body was in the tiny bathroom, and my head was in the bedroom.  Once they moved the bed, they worked it out.  Back board, head brace, and me in all my glory.  Did I mention there were 8 men????  Thankfully, DD1 brought a sheet, so they covered me before taking me out the door.  Thank God for small favors!!

patient being carried on stretcher

050103-N-9951E-171 Aceh, Sumatra, Indonesia (Jan. 3, 2005) – Lt. Lisa Peterson, of Derwood, Md., center, Lt. Mark Banks, of Savannah, Ga., and two Indonesian Army personnel carry a patient on a stretcher flown-in by a U.S. Navy helicopter to a temporary triage site in Aceh, Sumatra. Medical teams from USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72), Carrier Air Wing Two (CVW-2) and the International Organization for Migration (IOM) set-up a triage site located on Sultan Iskandar Muda Air Force Base, in Banda Aceh, Sumatra. The two teams worked together with members of the Australian Air Force to provide initial medical care to victims of the Tsunami-stricken coastal regions. The Abraham Lincoln Carrier Strike Group is currently operating in the Indian Ocean off the waters of Indonesia and Thailand. U.S. Navy photo by Photographer’s Mate 2nd Class Elizabeth A. Edwards (RELEASED)

(You’re welcome for sparing you the ACTUAL visual.)

 

 

Made them stop so I could tell PP bye.  She was so worried, bless her heart.

Ambulance, about 90 speed bumps, it seemed.  ER. Finally a pain pill!!

Xrays, CT scans, another pain pill.

xrays of hands

Yes, they xrayed more than just my hands!

 

 

 

Nothing broken??  Are you sure, Doctor?? Cause I feel like I’m dying.

Gave me a script for pain pills, recommended ice, and Ibuprofen.  Put me in a wheelchair and sent me home.

patient in wheelchair

080628-N-9689V-001 NHA TRANG, Vietnam (June 28, 2008) Lt. Todd Hlavac, a staff nurse assigned to the Military Sealift Command hospital ship USNS Mercy (T-AH 19), assists a Vietnamese patients to his wheelchair aboard Mercy before being discharged to a local hospital. U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Joshua Valcarcel (Released)

 

Obviously, not me, since I don’t have black hair.   😉

 

When I got home, had to use my own walker from car to apartment.  Good thing I kept it.

Never did make it to GNO.

Next time I take a shower, maybe I need to be hooked up to a safety line.