Bi-polar Burden

When I was married to my first husband, he was forever and a day asking me if he was speaking to Melinda 1 or Melinda 2.   I never knew how to answer him.   “I don’t know!”   How could I answer him, when I couldn’t tell myself apart??    Which side of me was #1??   Which half was #2??

slob, sistersMaybe the problem was, I wasn’t me- I was my sister???    Oh wait, I’m 8 1/2 years older, we’re not twins.   So, that’s probably not it.    (Even though when we both had long blonde hair, we were often mistaken for each other!   Even now, when I’m fat, and have short gray hair, and she still has long blonde hair, we get mistaken for each other!!   People, people, people – pay attention!!   People who love purple all look alike, ya know!)   It happened just today!   (AND- she wears glasses!!)

Sometimes I’d laugh so loud, and unrestrained, I’d get shushed.   Other days, I couldn’t drag myself outta bed before noon.   And couldn’t talk, because it was more energy than I had to do so.

I definitely knew there were 2 Melindas, I just didn’t knew who was who.

I’d also act in completely contrary ways.   Sometimes, I’d be very affectionate, and loving, others I’d act cold, and hateful.   And “those times of the month” always heightened the intensity of whichever way the pendulum was swinging on any given day.

Like I said in Bi-polar Bear, I always knew I was different.  I just didn’t know why, or if I could be helped, or if I was just too weird to ever be normal.

In high school, I just embraced the “weird” persona.   I was the “crazy” girl who wore an Army uniform to school, since I was Sgt at Arms for my DCT club.  And chased a dude across the school grounds, because he refused to wear a tie- the dress code.   I tackled him, and drug him into the meeting, with that tie on!!   We were both outta breath, and the tie was a mangled mess, but he was wearing it!   I walked down the halls, reading a book, glancing over the top of the page, so I didn’t run into people.   I wore my prom dress to class.   I became a clown, to try to ease the pain.

slob, younger clown meslob, greedy me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  As long as I was laughing at myself, then I couldn’t notice that they were laughing at me.   It didn’t help that I had to wear knee length culottes, when everyone else wore gym shorts, (Due to my parents’ religious convictions).   Did they really think wide legged culottes, that slipped down to the top (bottom??) of my upper thighs when on the floor, were more modest than shorts???   (That one wasn’t thought through at all!!)   In elementary school, I had to wear dresses over my pants.   Thankfully, by the time I got to high school, they had loosened up enough to let me wear jeans, sans the over skirt!

Lots of things in my childhood contributed to the dissonance inside.   I had my private me, then I had public me.  And still public me didn’t always fit in.   I mostly felt like a very round peg, {I was fat most of my adolescence, until my senior year of HS, then I still felt fat} in a world of skinny square holes.

slob, younger tree hugger me I just looked fat, it was the shoulder pads, right??

 

And I loved school, and got great grades without having to study.  As you can imagine, that endeared me to EVERYONE!   NOT.

It’s a wonder I didn’t grow up to be a psychopathic serial killer!!    (Well, at least not in reality, in my mind I murdered people right and left.)

So, Melinda, Melinda, Melinda, who art thou??

I’m still trying to figure that out.   Relying on God helps.   If it wasn’t for Him, I’d never have lived this long.   I’d have followed thru with my suicide plans many decades ago.

So, if you have bi-polar, you aren’t alone.   It’s quite a burden, but try to reach out to others. There is help.  

And if all else fails, write a blog, and spill your guts for the whole world to see.

 

Man, Much?

Okay, I gots thoughts all jumbled up today.  {Yes, I said “gots” on purpose.}    So, if you can’t follow the thought processes, just raise your hand, and I’ll try to back up, and make it clearer.   (Clear as mud, I’m sure.)   Alrighty then, here we go!!

This is my 3rd divorce.   I am very ashamed of that fact.   But, I comfort myself with the thought that at least they (the first 2) were to the same person.   Does that make sense??   I felt like at least I was pouring out all the misery on only 1 man, instead of making 2 men miserable.

slob, humor, nuclear family

Original married family. Look how little the girls are! Look how thin we parents are!

(My jacket was actually purple.   Why do some shades show up blue??)

And I always just knew I couldn’t live without a man, to take care of me, and just generally be there for me.   So, shortly, very shortly, after both divorces, I had snagged me another man.   Then, after the first divorce, we got remarried.   Then, it didn’t work out again.   Was anyone surprised??    I think not.   Pretty much, I’m sure everyone saw that train wreck coming VERY clearly.

After the 2nd divorce, I was with my second husband.   {2nd man, 3rd marriage.   Still following?   Good.}  

slob, humor, wedding photo

Mr and Mrs Roberto Antonio Sanchez

(That man was SO handsome!    I’m a little teary eyed right now.   I haven’t looked at these photos in YEARS.)

 After only 2 months of marriage, he died of cancer.   Which was kinda good, because we would have gotten divorced too, I’m sure.   I was rough to live with, due to all my own issues, and he was too, due to his.    Plus, he was Latin, so, he met my flair for drama, and LOUD screaming talking fights, with his own high level!   The volume in our house, was probably what caused me to start hearing loss!   (Let’s just say I was very grateful for concrete block walls, instead of wood frame!)   Much as we loved each other, it was a volatile relationship.   He never physically abused me, but we all know words can cause hurts so deep, they never heal.

So, after he died, I was so deep in grief, and depression that I cried every day for 10 months.  I lost my job, almost became homeless, etc, etc.   On the first day of the 11th month, I woke up, and decided I would smile at anyone who smiled at me that day.    I was so weary of crying, and being depressed.   I had felt for a time, that I wanted to die too.   But God had plans for me.   Namely, to stay alive!   😀

I had managed without a man for 10 months, because I was so focused on the dead one.   Can you guess what happened??   Yep, that very day is when I met Ranch Man, (XH) and we were together every day after that.   Our marriage lasted 13 years.

slob, humor, husband

PurpleSlob and Ranch Man, (now XH)

 

But this divorce is different.   I haven’t tried to find another man.   (Whoops, that’s a lie.   I went online to meet someone, and got cat fished.   But at least I figured it out within a week or so!   And that dampened my desire for another man tremendously!)

So, this time, I have focused on having my own life, not looking for another man, to build a life around, because I can’t be alone.   Before, I was almost pathologically afraid to be alone.  I didn’t think I was strong enough to go thru life, without leaning on a man. 

Don’t get me wrong, when I need to lift 50 lbs, I still call for muscles!   I ain’t trying to give myself a hernia, go to hospital for emergency surgery, catch a staph infection, and die, just so I won’t depend on a man!!   I know my physical limits!!   (About 10 lbs….well, 12, since that’s how much PPJr weighs now.)

I’ve found out, I CAN live without a man!   All I need is Jesus, my family, and friends!   I get my hugs from Mama, Sis, Brother, Shirley, DD1PP, and PPJr.   

Solitude can be soothing to my soul.   As long as I am choosing to be alone to enjoy stillness, not isolating due to depression.   Hearing my chimes on a soft breeze, the birds adding their sweet sounds, is healing for the mind, and spirit.

Wow, I’m really wound up today!   I don’t usually preach this long!