Hypothyroid Hell

“Here, let’s pray about it.  Just think positive thoughts, now.   You’ll be okay.”

I’m aghast that here it is 2016, and still some people think I can pull my self up by the bootstraps, out of depression.   Really, people????   No one in their right mind would say that to an amputee!!!   But, because my disability is invisible, it’s fair game????

I have spent a whole week, in such deep, dark, depression, that I’ve been suicidal.  Crying, aching for someone to just hold me, and cry with me.   Whisper “I’m here.   I love you.   I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”

But no.   Instead I got that first line up there.   Almost feels like I’m being told it’s my fault.  It’s NOT my fault!!   Yes, it’s all in my head- brain, and thyroid, which is in my neck.    But the blood chemistry being off, and missing vital chemicals is NOT my fault!!

When I figured out Thursday afternoon, what was wrong, I wanted to punch my doctor.  I have hypothyroidism.   Which means, my thyroid is sluggish, and doesn’t make enough thyroid hormone.   I’ve had this condition for 26 years, ever since I was pregnant with DD2.  My thyroid, for unknown reasons, just decided to quit functioning correctly.   So, I have been fighting this battle a LONG, LONG time.   This combined with bi-polar makes my life extremely difficult.   So many variables, and they have to be all lined up exactly, in order for me to function optimally.    My levels have been fluctuating, and my Dr. kept lowering my dose.   This last time, she lowered it to HALF of my dose from last year.   I BEGGED her not to do it.   “I’m doing okay.  Please don’t lower it.”  Nope, she did it, cuz my “Bloodwork”  showed my levels were wrong.   Well, to her, it’s numbers on a report, to ME, it’s my life!!  And so, because she didn’t listen to me, I spent a week in hell.  Life is not even worth living, if you’re constantly in hell, and looking for a way out, and all fire exits are blocked.

depressed woman

L0026686 A woman diagnosed as suffering from melancholia. Colour lith Credit: Wellcome Library, London. Wellcome Images images@wellcome.ac.uk http://wellcomeimages.org A woman diagnosed as suffering from melancholia. Colour lithograph, 1892, after J. Williamson, 1890. 1890-1892 By: J. Williamsonafter: Byrom BramwellPublished: [1892] Copyrighted work available under Creative Commons Attribution only licence CC BY 4.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

(This is a pretty good visual.   Even though it doesn’t completely express the depths of despair.)

So, Friday morning, I took my old 200 mcg dose.  And Sat. and Sun.   No improvement yet.  But, I will keep on taking the 200, till I feel myself at least at ground level, instead of a thousand feet down in a hole.

Physical recovery takes a long time.  And when your Doctor doesn’t listen, and sabotages you, it takes even longer.  I don’t mean that I think she did it on purpose to hurt me.   I know she is doing her best to help me.   But, I’m not just numbers on a paper.   I’m me.

I’m writing this Sunday night.   I was so desperate to get to my counselor, and then go see my Doctor tomorrow.   Then I remembered it’s Dr. Martin Luther King day.   So, they’re both closed.  The only thing I’ll be celebrating, is if I live through another night.

Sorry, I know this is a heavy topic.   And there’s no jokes, or anything to make you laugh.  Welcome to my reality.   It’s not always a very pretty place.

Update: Monday I feel so much better!  It’s amazing what having what you need, will do for you!   Even did stuff!  Cleaned!!  (Don’t faint!!)  De-cluttered!

 

Deep, Dark, Depression

Hey! Ever have one of those nights where, no matter HOW much you love blogging, and I DO!!!, you just can’t get in the groove and write??

Yeah, me neither, ha ha silly question.

Alright, I’m gonna be real here.  Tonight, Sunday, is one of those nights.

I just do not have it in me right now to be funny and entertaining.

800px-Funny_Girl_(Městské_divadlo_Brno)

So, enjoy this still from the play, “Funny Girl.”

 

 

 

I’m sorry.  I feel like I’m letting y’all down, but I promised honesty about my slobbery, and depression is part of my mental, and emotional slobbery.

Oh how I long for the day when my home is clean and organized , and my interior spaces in my head are all calm, and organized!!!

That will be the day!   I’ll probably have to start a new blog.  “How to Handle Life as an Ex-Slob.”  And it will be blank posts.   Bwahahaha, okay, I think that was funny.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, my peeps.  I love you all.

Paperless Problem

Good thing I was already sitting down, because a horrible thing happened.  I had run outta tp!

This is shocking!!!   A tragedy of Herculean proportions for a Hawkins!  (my maiden name)

empty toilet paper roll

It hasn’t happened in years, and YEARS!!   (I have a serious phobia of running out, due to being really poor during childhood, and all the hideous experiences with running out of tp.  Nope, can’t even talk about it.  You don’t know what I suffered as a child!

Well, if you must know, it started out with the kleenex, which was fine.  Then it was the paper napkins, NOT fine!!  Then the paper towels, worse than NOT fine!!  And more worser- you can’t flush them!!!   Then Sears catalogs, then finally corn cobs!

corn cob

 True story! It happened in Grma’s out house!!  She was renovating the real bathroom at the time.  And it wasn’t long, but it felt like an ETERNITY!!   That’s when I almost didn’t go for a week!  (haha  Scared of spiders, snakes, and that ain’t what it takes to love me…)

I have PTTPLSD because of it all.   Post-Traumatic-Toilet-Paper-Lessness-Stress Disorder.  They had to create a new category in the DSM-V just for me.

toothbrush hates his job

So, there I was.   Stumped, had to think hard!  Ended up, having to use kleenex.   sigh   Coulda been worse!!  What if I’d only had paper towels??????   ARGH!  {runs screaming into the night at even the THOUGHT of it!}

toilet paper hoard

I’m not sure I have enough yet. Maybe 1 more trip??

Now I’m set!

Ceiling Situation

One night, I was laying on my bed, on my back, looking up.  I thought

“Hmmm, that looks funny.”

me sleep 076

me sleep 078

Like a dummy, I gave it a poke.  Can you say DUMB???

Splat!

There was a wet me, a wet pillow, and a wet bed.

It’s a good thing I have another bed to roll onto!!

The next day:

DH rode to the rescue.

Dh's handy dandy knife

Dh’s handy dandy knife

After moving the beds and getting a bucket, he made a slit in the ceiling tile, with his handy dandy knife.  He’s a lot smarter than I was!

The ceiling must relieve itself.

The ceiling must relieve itself.

Now we’ll see how long it takes to get the roof fixed.  Oh the joys of home ownership.

sigh

Update:  2 days later, he borrowed a ladder, got some gunk, and painted the roof.  Hasn’t leaked yet!  Here’s hoping!!

waiting on wednesday

free fun friday

Home Matters Party

Monday Madness party

Inspire Me Monday party

totally terrific tuesday