When I was married to my first husband, he was forever and a day asking me if he was speaking to Melinda 1 or Melinda 2. I never knew how to answer him. “I don’t know!” How could I answer him, when I couldn’t tell myself apart?? Which side of me was #1?? Which half was #2??
Maybe the problem was, I wasn’t me- I was my sister??? Oh wait, I’m 8 1/2 years older, we’re not twins. So, that’s probably not it. (Even though when we both had long blonde hair, we were often mistaken for each other! Even now, when I’m fat, and have short gray hair, and she still has long blonde hair, we get mistaken for each other!! People, people, people – pay attention!! People who love purple all look alike, ya know!) It happened just today! (AND- she wears glasses!!)
Sometimes I’d laugh so loud, and unrestrained, I’d get shushed. Other days, I couldn’t drag myself outta bed before noon. And couldn’t talk, because it was more energy than I had to do so.
I definitely knew there were 2 Melindas, I just didn’t knew who was who.
I’d also act in completely contrary ways. Sometimes, I’d be very affectionate, and loving, others I’d act cold, and hateful. And “those times of the month” always heightened the intensity of whichever way the pendulum was swinging on any given day.
Like I said in Bi-polar Bear, I always knew I was different. I just didn’t know why, or if I could be helped, or if I was just too weird to ever be normal.
In high school, I just embraced the “weird” persona. I was the “crazy” girl who wore an Army uniform to school, since I was Sgt at Arms for my DCT club. And chased a dude across the school grounds, because he refused to wear a tie- the dress code. I tackled him, and drug him into the meeting, with that tie on!! We were both outta breath, and the tie was a mangled mess, but he was wearing it! I walked down the halls, reading a book, glancing over the top of the page, so I didn’t run into people. I wore my prom dress to class. I became a clown, to try to ease the pain.
As long as I was laughing at myself, then I couldn’t notice that they were laughing at me. It didn’t help that I had to wear knee length culottes, when everyone else wore gym shorts, (Due to my parents’ religious convictions). Did they really think wide legged culottes, that slipped down to the top (bottom??) of my upper thighs when on the floor, were more modest than shorts??? (That one wasn’t thought through at all!!) In elementary school, I had to wear dresses over my pants. Thankfully, by the time I got to high school, they had loosened up enough to let me wear jeans, sans the over skirt!
Lots of things in my childhood contributed to the dissonance inside. I had my private me, then I had public me. And still public me didn’t always fit in. I mostly felt like a very round peg, {I was fat most of my adolescence, until my senior year of HS, then I still felt fat} in a world of skinny square holes.
I just looked fat, it was the shoulder pads, right??
And I loved school, and got great grades without having to study. As you can imagine, that endeared me to EVERYONE! NOT.
It’s a wonder I didn’t grow up to be a psychopathic serial killer!! (Well, at least not in reality, in my mind I murdered people right and left.)
So, Melinda, Melinda, Melinda, who art thou??
I’m still trying to figure that out. Relying on God helps. If it wasn’t for Him, I’d never have lived this long. I’d have followed thru with my suicide plans many decades ago.
So, if you have bi-polar, you aren’t alone. It’s quite a burden, but try to reach out to others. There is help.
And if all else fails, write a blog, and spill your guts for the whole world to see.
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