Bi-polar Burden

When I was married to my first husband, he was forever and a day asking me if he was speaking to Melinda 1 or Melinda 2.   I never knew how to answer him.   “I don’t know!”   How could I answer him, when I couldn’t tell myself apart??    Which side of me was #1??   Which half was #2??

slob, sistersMaybe the problem was, I wasn’t me- I was my sister???    Oh wait, I’m 8 1/2 years older, we’re not twins.   So, that’s probably not it.    (Even though when we both had long blonde hair, we were often mistaken for each other!   Even now, when I’m fat, and have short gray hair, and she still has long blonde hair, we get mistaken for each other!!   People, people, people – pay attention!!   People who love purple all look alike, ya know!)   It happened just today!   (AND- she wears glasses!!)

Sometimes I’d laugh so loud, and unrestrained, I’d get shushed.   Other days, I couldn’t drag myself outta bed before noon.   And couldn’t talk, because it was more energy than I had to do so.

I definitely knew there were 2 Melindas, I just didn’t knew who was who.

I’d also act in completely contrary ways.   Sometimes, I’d be very affectionate, and loving, others I’d act cold, and hateful.   And “those times of the month” always heightened the intensity of whichever way the pendulum was swinging on any given day.

Like I said in Bi-polar Bear, I always knew I was different.  I just didn’t know why, or if I could be helped, or if I was just too weird to ever be normal.

In high school, I just embraced the “weird” persona.   I was the “crazy” girl who wore an Army uniform to school, since I was Sgt at Arms for my DCT club.  And chased a dude across the school grounds, because he refused to wear a tie- the dress code.   I tackled him, and drug him into the meeting, with that tie on!!   We were both outta breath, and the tie was a mangled mess, but he was wearing it!   I walked down the halls, reading a book, glancing over the top of the page, so I didn’t run into people.   I wore my prom dress to class.   I became a clown, to try to ease the pain.

slob, younger clown meslob, greedy me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  As long as I was laughing at myself, then I couldn’t notice that they were laughing at me.   It didn’t help that I had to wear knee length culottes, when everyone else wore gym shorts, (Due to my parents’ religious convictions).   Did they really think wide legged culottes, that slipped down to the top (bottom??) of my upper thighs when on the floor, were more modest than shorts???   (That one wasn’t thought through at all!!)   In elementary school, I had to wear dresses over my pants.   Thankfully, by the time I got to high school, they had loosened up enough to let me wear jeans, sans the over skirt!

Lots of things in my childhood contributed to the dissonance inside.   I had my private me, then I had public me.  And still public me didn’t always fit in.   I mostly felt like a very round peg, {I was fat most of my adolescence, until my senior year of HS, then I still felt fat} in a world of skinny square holes.

slob, younger tree hugger me I just looked fat, it was the shoulder pads, right??

 

And I loved school, and got great grades without having to study.  As you can imagine, that endeared me to EVERYONE!   NOT.

It’s a wonder I didn’t grow up to be a psychopathic serial killer!!    (Well, at least not in reality, in my mind I murdered people right and left.)

So, Melinda, Melinda, Melinda, who art thou??

I’m still trying to figure that out.   Relying on God helps.   If it wasn’t for Him, I’d never have lived this long.   I’d have followed thru with my suicide plans many decades ago.

So, if you have bi-polar, you aren’t alone.   It’s quite a burden, but try to reach out to others. There is help.  

And if all else fails, write a blog, and spill your guts for the whole world to see.

 

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26 thoughts on “Bi-polar Burden

  1. Melinda, I feel your pain – so many of us blogger’s were the ‘weirdos’ at school.Having strict parents when you live amongst people who are more liberal is a very hard cross to bear. We were brought in a very working class area but my parents had very middle-class attitudes and it was hard! Stuff like, we were not allowed to play out in the street on a Sunday because it was, well SUNDAY (even though they were not overly religious). We were the only kids for miles that had to stay in the back garden on a Sunday and of course EVERYONE new that.

    It must be horrible living with bi-polar disorder and my heart goes out to you. It can’t be easy when other people say stuff like, which Melinda am I talking to? Both Melindas are YOU and true love accepts the bad with the good, no matter how bad the bad can get. Marriage is for better OR worse afterall. Having said that, accepting ourselves for who we are can be a big hill to climb. Keep on keeping on girl – you doing fine! x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Gilly, so much for the support. Oh, I do understand your pain, then! Yeah, bi-polar ain’t fun, but correct meds help so much!!
      Yeah, that which Melinda comment really tore into my self esteem.
      Yes, it is!! Maybe by the time we’re 90, we will have it figured out! lol
      Thank for all the love!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks so much for sharing! I have had OCD since I was a young child, didn’t know it until way way later! I have struggled for years and now it is at an all time high with my anxiety over the past. So, I can just give you a hug and say keep going, thanks for sharing and much love xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. as your younger sister, I never knew life was so hard for you. I wanted to be like you. I thought you were beautiful and funny. I thought everyone looked up to you like I did. I am so sorry your life was and still is so difficult.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I see myself in this post. I don’t think I’m bipolar, maybe just moody, some moods happy, some sad. It made me laugh about the psychopathic serial killer. I “kill” people all the time – in my head! I can totally see how someone without a moral compass could become one. Our “weirdness” is what makes us us!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Fat or shoulder pads, you were GOURGEOUS! If I were still running the school, I would use your post in teacher training sessions. You are describing exactly what I’ve always tried to explain: why kids become class clowns. The proper answer to your ex would’ve been, And which Melinda would you like to see right now? Aren’t you lucky to have gotten two for the price of one? But seriously, you are one person, with two facets of your personality that surface at different times depending on the chemistry of your brain. Keep your diet under control, and it’ll help you keep your disorder under control too!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Now I understand why I love you so much – I have a soft spot in my heart for psychotic serial killers. ( or maybe just for psychedelic cereal? ) I definitely would have been your friend in high school and we would have laughed every day! And you look exactly like your sister, if she would just shave her head a little. Maybe you could do it when she takes a nap? Take care and keep up the good fight, Lucy. Love Ethel

    Liked by 1 person

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