Hypothyroid Hell

“Here, let’s pray about it.  Just think positive thoughts, now.   You’ll be okay.”

I’m aghast that here it is 2016, and still some people think I can pull my self up by the bootstraps, out of depression.   Really, people????   No one in their right mind would say that to an amputee!!!   But, because my disability is invisible, it’s fair game????

I have spent a whole week, in such deep, dark, depression, that I’ve been suicidal.  Crying, aching for someone to just hold me, and cry with me.   Whisper “I’m here.   I love you.   I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”

But no.   Instead I got that first line up there.   Almost feels like I’m being told it’s my fault.  It’s NOT my fault!!   Yes, it’s all in my head- brain, and thyroid, which is in my neck.    But the blood chemistry being off, and missing vital chemicals is NOT my fault!!

When I figured out Thursday afternoon, what was wrong, I wanted to punch my doctor.  I have hypothyroidism.   Which means, my thyroid is sluggish, and doesn’t make enough thyroid hormone.   I’ve had this condition for 26 years, ever since I was pregnant with DD2.  My thyroid, for unknown reasons, just decided to quit functioning correctly.   So, I have been fighting this battle a LONG, LONG time.   This combined with bi-polar makes my life extremely difficult.   So many variables, and they have to be all lined up exactly, in order for me to function optimally.    My levels have been fluctuating, and my Dr. kept lowering my dose.   This last time, she lowered it to HALF of my dose from last year.   I BEGGED her not to do it.   “I’m doing okay.  Please don’t lower it.”  Nope, she did it, cuz my “Bloodwork”  showed my levels were wrong.   Well, to her, it’s numbers on a report, to ME, it’s my life!!  And so, because she didn’t listen to me, I spent a week in hell.  Life is not even worth living, if you’re constantly in hell, and looking for a way out, and all fire exits are blocked.

depressed woman

L0026686 A woman diagnosed as suffering from melancholia. Colour lith Credit: Wellcome Library, London. Wellcome Images images@wellcome.ac.uk http://wellcomeimages.org A woman diagnosed as suffering from melancholia. Colour lithograph, 1892, after J. Williamson, 1890. 1890-1892 By: J. Williamsonafter: Byrom BramwellPublished: [1892] Copyrighted work available under Creative Commons Attribution only licence CC BY 4.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

(This is a pretty good visual.   Even though it doesn’t completely express the depths of despair.)

So, Friday morning, I took my old 200 mcg dose.  And Sat. and Sun.   No improvement yet.  But, I will keep on taking the 200, till I feel myself at least at ground level, instead of a thousand feet down in a hole.

Physical recovery takes a long time.  And when your Doctor doesn’t listen, and sabotages you, it takes even longer.  I don’t mean that I think she did it on purpose to hurt me.   I know she is doing her best to help me.   But, I’m not just numbers on a paper.   I’m me.

I’m writing this Sunday night.   I was so desperate to get to my counselor, and then go see my Doctor tomorrow.   Then I remembered it’s Dr. Martin Luther King day.   So, they’re both closed.  The only thing I’ll be celebrating, is if I live through another night.

Sorry, I know this is a heavy topic.   And there’s no jokes, or anything to make you laugh.  Welcome to my reality.   It’s not always a very pretty place.

Update: Monday I feel so much better!  It’s amazing what having what you need, will do for you!   Even did stuff!  Cleaned!!  (Don’t faint!!)  De-cluttered!

 

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33 thoughts on “Hypothyroid Hell

  1. Melinda, I am hypothyroid as well and on regular medication. About 25 years back before I was diagnosed, I was in college. My symptoms were essentially melancholia and having a sad view of life, weight gain, excessive sleep. I have a bird like voice and during this time, it turned to a throaty hoarse one. One of my senior doctors picked the change in my voice and told me-I sounded hypothyroid. Oh, and I had memory problems and a very funny feeling when I tried to wake up from sleep- it was as if there were two of me- one floating above and one on the bed and it seemed to me, I had to catch the floating me and bring it to join the bedded one- that was scary.
    I checked my blood levels- I was severely hypothyroid- having gone more than 5 years without medication.
    So now I am on daily doses- and feeling fine. I have never been off tablets ever since.
    Susie

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh Melinda. I am so sorry that you have had such a terrible time lately. It sounds like it has been hell on earth for you. I know I can’t do anything to help. but I do send you lots of hugs, and to let you know that I am here if you ever need to talk. Please don’t think you are alone as you are most definitely not.
    I am glad that you are starting to feel better now. Take care xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh MAN that is so rough! *HUGS* I have been there sister! At least depression-wise, the hyperthyroid thing sounds horrible too… and I’m so upset that your doctor sabotaged you, inadvertently or not. =/ Have you been able to get to a counselor? Having a good one was life-changing for me! Praying for you, and glad things did improve Monday. I hope they continued to improve!

    And yes, it’s ludicrous how people (and often Christians…) can respond to depression. 😦 Very unfair and upsetting. Hopefully people will keep learning and understanding better!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, SArah Eliza! It helps so much to get so much support! I do have a counselor, but not sure if she’s right for me. I love her, but she doesn’t make me do homework or anything. So….
      All we can do is keep getting the word out, I guess!

      Like

  4. Dear Melinda.. thanks for including the Monday update. I’m glad you’re doing better. I have to agree — it seems like medical people (no matter what kind) never listen.

    I am not sure of the storm path, but I hope you get sunshine and a blue sky. I’m bracing for a “snow of historic proportions” as they called the coming blizzard. Sunshine sure helps the spirits, so I’m sending you sunshine super-hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Melinda, I am so sorry you are going through this. I count you as a dear friend and my family has had so many medical issues and emergencies the past four months, I’ve been blogging long into the night wrecking my own health. I apologize I haven’t been over to your place here to visit and check on you. Please know that you are in my prayers and thoughts, even when I don’t get over here, I still think of you and worry about you. Take care, and never, ever think you are alone. Many love you. You are a joy, a treasure and a daughter of God.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, CArrie! Wow, I’m sorry to hear about your family’s trials too. Please take care of yourself!! Please don’t apologize for infrequent visits!! I appreciate all your prayers! I do forget sometimes, in the darkness of despair, but in the morning, God always reminds me that I am loved!
      Those 3 things, are the best compliments I could ever have. And being a daughter of God is the best title I will ever hold!!

      Like

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  7. I hope you’re still doing better, Melinda! I should apologize in advance, because I know this will be a long comment… I had a doctor/thyroid nightmare after both of my kids. The 1st time, the test came back that it was overactive and they prescribed me beta blockers. I have low blood pressure and it almost killed me. Then they said the test was wrong, it’s under-active, and changed meds. Know what I found out years later? Your thyroid naturally fluctuates after pregnancy because of wacky hormones and stuff. If they would have left it alone I would have been fine, but instead it took almost a year for my body to adjust back to normal because of the synthetic hormones.

    But doctors often do more good than bad, otherwise we’d all be dead, right? You know what doctors don’t think about sometimes, though? Food. Certain things you eat can majorly affect your thyroid, and I wonder if that could be the reason your levels are fluctuating. This article might help: http://www.canaryclub.org/thyroid/102-hypotyroidism/133-article-is-there-something-else-you-can-do-to-help-your-thyroid.html

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh thank you so much, Jenny! Yeah, pregnancy does ALL kinds of stuff to us! And yes, Doctors sometimes meddle where they don’t know what they’re doing. But we’d be in a pickle without one when we need surgery! 🙂
      I have started thinking more about food as medicine lately. I will go check it out!
      Melinda

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